Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Last Tango, Then Paris.

So, now that I have vented about my near death incident I had on my couch last night, I can finally breathe and provide you with the Daily Intel Gossip Girl Recap for this weeks episode!

And seriously, holy shit, Gossip Girl. WTF happened last night?!

Here it goes...

Realer Than Serena's Entire Summer Plans Consisting of Just Doing a Cleanse and Starting a Dream Journal:

• Breakfast at the Waldorfs: Cyrus: lox and bagel. Eleanor: fruit. Blair: a croissant. Untouched. Plus 3. (I love how they represent the stereotypes of this family through food. And I love that Blair STILL doesn't eat.)

• Dorota: “Blair loves the Empire State Building. Even though she doesn’t want to, and she should just admit it and make all our lives easier.” Plus 3. She’s gotten so brave with her pregnancy! (Though she later admits to de-friending Chuck "on Facebook and in life" on Blair's orders, which is cute, even if Chuck would never be on Facebook, so wash for that.) (I love Dorota for this. Well done.)

• The telltale coffee cup with Jenny's name on it was an awfully good plot device, we have to admit. Plus 1, for sparing us an absurd "who could have done this?" scene. (I completely missed this one. What on earth are they talking about?)

• Blair uses the term “Basshat.” Plus 1. The term “asshat” was coined by Marisa Cooper on The OC shortly after it had caught on with the cool kids across the country. Sadly, we do not expect this one to have the staying power. (YES! I have been obsessed with the term "asshat" ever since The OC! And I'm pretty sure it's the best thing that came from that show! I cannot believe I didn't pick up on this hilarity during last nights episode! Shame on me.)

• Serena wears five-inch Louboutins and a plunging top with no bra to the hospital? Plus 10. (Umm yah. Really, Serena? I know you outdress everyone, and your tits hang out almost everywhere you go, but you're in the Delivery Ward of a hospital. There are small children and families around. Put some clothes on.)

• Dan ruins a sweet moment by needling Serena about her daddy issues. Plus 4.• Serena doesn't notice. Plus 1. (This was awesome. And Serena just smiled and nodded. And the fact that Dan doesn't look like he feels remotely bad about making this comment just goes to show that he's been spending entirely too much time with Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. It's phenomenal)

• Jenny truly looks like a monster when she is crying. That’s really going for it for your craft. Plus 2 (See Perez, he says it best)

• Did Jenny remove the sex sheets from the bed before escaping from Chuck's boudoir? Plus 3 for teenage shame. (Poor lil J. She might be a raging biatch, but at least she was wise enough to destroy the evidence. I guess that's the drug dealer in her)

• Blair: "First of all, S., you didn't go to school this year and you haven't had a real job in months, so life is kind of like summer for you." Plus 5 (YES. Thank you Blair! I love you for this. And I love the fact that Serena has no argument in response. At least she knows she's a waste of life)

• Of course, what Serena "needs" is to go to Paris with Blair and spend a shitload of money. because she's had a very traumatic time. Plus 4 (Sometimes, I think I "need" to flee the country and spend tons of money. If only I had that luxury...)

Faker Than Jenny Ever Accepting Being Exiled to the Suburbs

• Georgina just walks into Chuck and Nate's apartment, no key card, no nothing. Minus 1. Why are people always doing that on this show? (Seriously, it freaks me out. Wouldn't the hotel staff question people entering the pent-house suite of the owner of the hotel...just maybe?)

• Jenny has a reaction to only one part of Blair’s speech (and it was likely just an afterthought for Blair) “You’re hurting people you love.” Jenny is a full-fledged rage ball. She doesn’t care who she hurts. Minus 2. (A foreshadowing of Jenny's bad decision making in the last 20 minutes of the episode? I'd say yes...because we all know Jenny, as mean as she is, secretly LOVES Blair Waldorf, and wants to be her)

• Nate stayed around to chat with Dan and Serena about their kiss, not storming off so they can’t explain, and not hitting anybody. Minus 3, because what is this, real life? (Not real life, just Nate having air for a brain)

• First of all, this Jenny and Chuck thing would never, ever happen. Minus 100. Even the actors looked like they didn’t want to go through with it. That said, if it did happen, Blair would have known the second she entered the apartment, if not from the smell of sex or extinguished Diptyque then by the way that Chuck took her arm to steer her away from the bedroom with the flickering light inside. Minus 10 And how did Jenny get out of Chuck's bedroom? Minus 7 Also, we don't get why Dan gets to punch Chuck in the face over this thing and be like, "Jenny this is not your fault at all." We get that he's a big brother and that Chuck is the King of Douches, but it's not like he deflowered her against her will! They were consenting teenagers! Minus 5 And furthermore, why would Jenny tell her brother, if what she's freaking out about is being hated by Chuck and everyone else, why make things so much worse? Minus only 1, because, teenagers. (I agree. If lil J were to shake her lil V with Chuck, she would have done it a long time ago. Not waited til her dad grounded her for the 95th time this season. And of course Jenny knew how to get out of Chuck's bedroom without anyone knowing. She's a master of climbing out windows, seeing as she's been grounded for the last 6 years of her life, and somehow manages to attend every party and drama filled situation that this show has to offer)

• What on earth stopped Blair from TEXTING Chuck to tell him about Dorota? And wouldn't at least Gossip Girl have known? Minus 5 (Touche)

• We get why Jenny is in the chapel. But why did Eric stop by there? Minus 2. (I am actually more concerned with the fact that Jenny is in the chapel...I know its weird for Eric to be there, but Jenny is a witch. She would never go to church, unless there was a graveyard out back and she could ressurect people from the dead...Also, why would she leave The Empire to go to the hospital chapel? It's New York City, there are churches everywhere. If you really felt the need to go cry to God about losing your V Card, you might have considered doing it somewhere that your entire extended family wouldn't find you. Just a thought.)

• Why is everyone acting like they're never going to see Jenny again? Like Eric's all, 'I'll miss you next year'? She's going upstate, not to Papua New Guinea. It's possible she might come home for a weekend now and again. Minus 2 (Umm did they miss the part where Blair strictly forbid Jenny from stepping foot on the island of Manhattan ever again? And we all know that they won't be visiting her, because that would mean having to hop on public transportation out to the burbs)

• Dan would know better than to believe even for a second that Georgina is pregnant with his baby. Minus only 2, because it's possible that the shock and horror registering on his face had more to do with her gold lamĂ© unitard than the baby bump itself. (Agreed. This is totally going to end with some absolutely ridiculous story, and Dan won't end up being the father of the baby...instead, it will be a character from the past...like Cyrus's son Aaron Rose. Also, why did Georgina go to every single character in the show before looking for Dan? That girl is trouble, and I wish she was the one that was shot in the last scene. Yah, I said it.)

ALSO. Aside from everything I love about this analysis of the most absurd season finale ever, where is the discussion of Chuck Bass getting SHOT in the end of the episode? I think that deserves some serious discussion. My opinion? They probably shot him in the finger, and he passed out because he was drunk. There is no chance in Hell that Chuck Bass is dead. They cannot have a successful season without him. Mark my word. He will be back.



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